So you would laugh at me.
I, your soon to be wife, started a countdown clock today.
302 days until I become your wife. Your life partner in crime.
Two days ago you changed my whole world. You loved me enough to fly to Texas and drive to a place that means the world to me and asked me to be your wife. To marry you and love you for the rest of our lives.
Most likely I won't tell you about this blog until our wedding day. But I want a place where I can write everything I think and love about you. A place that I can escape the crazy world of life and wedding planning and just write about us. A place to remind me of how lucky I am to have you in my life.
You have changed everything I thought I knew about love. For years I thought people were crazy when they said how amazing it is to marry your best friend. But I 100% understand now. I am marrying my best friend. My greatest ally in this crazy world.
So 302 days until I become Mrs. Duffield. 302 days I marry my best friend. 302 days until I say I do.
I love you!!!!
Friday, June 12, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Tears on my scale
Used to I cried when I stepped on the scale. I cried because I was at first.....too big for the scale that had a dial. It would measure 10 pounds because in reality I was fatter then the 300 limit.
At that moment I cried.
I was watching my weight slowly creep up to unimaginable levels.
At that moment I cried.
I spent morning standing in front of my scale, terrified to step on and see what the truth was in my horrible eating habits.
At that moment I cried.
I would buy scales thinking, maybe if I got a new one that was fancy, it would somehow change my weight.
In those moments I cried.
It got to the point that I gave up in my weight. For a while I didn't care. I didn't want to know because I refused to face the truth. I no longer cared about my health, even though I was supposed to be a nurse and a good example. HA! yeah right.
But this morning I cried again. But something changed.
This morning I stepped on the scale and say a weight I hadn't seen in 6 years. And I cried. I cried for myself and my future. I cried for all the moments I said I couldn't. I cried because I realized this journey was possible.
At that moment I cried.
At that moment I cried.
I was watching my weight slowly creep up to unimaginable levels.
At that moment I cried.
I spent morning standing in front of my scale, terrified to step on and see what the truth was in my horrible eating habits.
At that moment I cried.
I would buy scales thinking, maybe if I got a new one that was fancy, it would somehow change my weight.
In those moments I cried.
It got to the point that I gave up in my weight. For a while I didn't care. I didn't want to know because I refused to face the truth. I no longer cared about my health, even though I was supposed to be a nurse and a good example. HA! yeah right.
But this morning I cried again. But something changed.
This morning I stepped on the scale and say a weight I hadn't seen in 6 years. And I cried. I cried for myself and my future. I cried for all the moments I said I couldn't. I cried because I realized this journey was possible.
At that moment I cried.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
My Story
Okay! I can do this. Never have done this before, but hey there is always a chance to do something new.
I guess it is motivational Wednesday but I am probably going to post this on Thursday so I am calling this Transformation Thursday story! And it is my story. One that people have bits and pieces to but no one has the whole thing. Until now.
I was never a skinny girl. NEVER! In fact I don't ever remembering being under 200 pounds. Take that back, I don't remember ever being under 250. I was always the big girl. The girl that hated the stupid physical fitness test in high school. The girl that became a band geek because that meant I didn't have to take PE. It wasn't that I didn't like sports, I love them. I love playing volleyball and basketball, I was just never fit enough to do it.
Anyway, My weight in high school was horrible. Now matter how little I ate, I gained. But what I did eat was horrendous. I lived on fast food and sodas. When I graduated I was 275 pounds easy. I hated myself. I hated that I was addicted to food. I hated that I was eating myself to death slowly. But I really didn't change anything because heck it was just my body, who cares. That's when all hell broke loose. Right after I graduated I went to the doctor. All I wanted was birth control for my horrible cramps and cycle. I mean 3 week long periods were not for me! It was then that my weight showed how it can hurt me. II went in for a pill, I left scheduled for surgery in following week, and told I was pre-diabetic and had high cholesterol. At the age of 18, my blood pressure was 156/95 on a good day. I was told I had poly cystic ovarian syndrome. Has my doctor explained, my ovaries looked like bubble wrap. My constant pain and long periods were all signs. She then preceded to tell me that my fat had literally taken over my hormones.
Two weeks later I had surgery where 2 liters of fluid and a Fallopian tube were removed and told that unless I lost weight, my chances of being a mom were 0%. I left for college determined but depressed at the same time.
When I first left for college I was so ready to lose weight. I joined weight watchers, I joined the gym. I was gonna rock the weight loss. HA! Yeah right. Enter the freshman 15, okay 25. In one year the stress of living on my own, going to school, and a horrible relationship sent me to the world of food again. I was officially in a number I never wanted to see. I was 300 pounds. But I ignored it. I went on my way. I focused on school and focused on getting into nursing school. My two years of nursing school led me to want to lose weight again. I didn't want to be over weight, I didn't want to lose my chance of being a mom, I didn't want to be diabetic, and I really didn't want to be a hypocrite. Why should I tell my patients to lose weight when I can't even do it. So in those two years here is every thing I did.....
1. Weight Watchers (lost 15 pounds before the meetings became stupid to me and the support vanished.)
2. Adkins (Until my lovely roommates wanted to go out almost every night......ended up gaining 10 pounds)
3. Calorie counting (lost nothing gained nothing. HAd no desire to count calories)
4. Eat healthy and go to the gym (gave that up after a week)
5. The paleo diet (supposed to help PCOS girls lose weight because of the lack of hormones in the food)
6. And my favorite.....the 3 day cardiac diet. (the whole diet is three days of strict eating where you can lose 7 pounds in the 3 days, yeah I was desperate enough that that sounded like a good idea)
I tried everything, my roommates thought I was crazy. Every time I started a diet they would have bets on how long it would last. I ballooned to 320 pounds. MY nursing professors told me that I would never be a good nurse if I kept gaining. I graduated college and moved back to Austin with a total lack of caring. I moved back in with my parents, who at the time were doing weight watchers so I was kinda eating healthy.
After a year of that I lost about 10 pounds. I was back to 315. At this point I was still on the fast track to the grave. I decided in January of 2014 to give weight watchers another shot. And it worked, kinda. I would lose weight, then give in to a craving binge and gain it back. I was addicted to diet soda, I loved carbs, oh and I was in love with "healthy" ice cream. That summer I went to work at a camp as the nurse and lost 15 pounds. I was down to 300 but I was stuck. I couldn't get past my giant plateau. No matter what I did I could not get under 300.
Enter one of my dearest friends. In August, I was persuaded to give the Advocare 24 day challenge a shot. Heck the results my friend had were AWESOME! And she loved the products. I figured why not give it a shot. So in August I did and in 24 days I lost 12 pounds and 18 inches. I was not only under 300 but in the 280s. But At the time I couldn't keep up after the 24 days and life decided to stick its tongue out at me. From August to December I gained some of the weight back and I decided that I was done. Truly done. In December I became and advocare distributor. I promised myself that I would never see 300 again.
So in January of this year, I did my second 24 day challenge with my parents. I started at 299 and in the 24 days I lost 13 pounds. My dad lost 15 pounds and my mom lost 3. But I gained so much more. I gained an amazing coach and a supportive upline, who I have spent time talking to and getting to know product more. On day 25 of my advocare journey I ordered more product to keep going. And I can now say I am back to my high school weight, as of this morning I am at 275! A number I haven't seen in 6 years. But more as happened then just a change in number.
I had a check up with my OB/GYN recently and the changes that have taken place even amazed her! My blood pressure was 138/80. My resting heart rate went from in the 80s to in the 60s. My LDL (bad cholesterol) went down while my good cholesterol went up. My PCOS issues have started resolving themselves. Enough that she even said that I am slowly changing my chances of being a mom. When we talked about what I was doing she was so excited about my changes with Advocare, turns out she heard it was good for PCOS and she is an advocare user too.
I have started jogging. Recently jogging a 5k and loved it! I am addicted to the gym. I haven't had a soda since Januray 1st. I haven't eaten fast food, mostly because I don't crave it. I now crave carrots and hummus.
I can't say Advocare fixed everything but ADvocare did get me on the healthy track. It has helped me find the path I need to be on. I am now known as the Advocare junkie in my family. My parents and cousin get tired of the "what products do you need to order?" or the "Have you tried....?" questions. I am now in love with my Thermoplus, Carbease (a PCOS girls dream!), MNS, and now the slim. I am a long way from my goal but I will get it this year not only because I love the products but because I love the people that I know won't give up on me.
Was it hard to get to where I was. OMG yes. I was miserable the first few days of January. (Later found out that PCOS enjoys messing with your digestive tract and it doesn't like when you change things) But I had a friend give a good example to me. The 24 day challenge is like going to a drug rehab center. Those first few days are like a crack addict going cold turkey. Your body craves everything to are trying to get away from and it is going to hate you when you take the bad things away. But give it time and just like the addict you will feel so much better. And the more you go the more you become addicted to living the new lifestyle.
Anyone reading this. You can do this! If I can, you can. Don't stop if you have a bad day. Don't give up on yourself. This is the longest I have ever been on a healthy lifestyle kick and I am not stopping any time soon. This is the time to invest in yourself. To make yourself healthy!
I guess it is motivational Wednesday but I am probably going to post this on Thursday so I am calling this Transformation Thursday story! And it is my story. One that people have bits and pieces to but no one has the whole thing. Until now.
I was never a skinny girl. NEVER! In fact I don't ever remembering being under 200 pounds. Take that back, I don't remember ever being under 250. I was always the big girl. The girl that hated the stupid physical fitness test in high school. The girl that became a band geek because that meant I didn't have to take PE. It wasn't that I didn't like sports, I love them. I love playing volleyball and basketball, I was just never fit enough to do it.
Anyway, My weight in high school was horrible. Now matter how little I ate, I gained. But what I did eat was horrendous. I lived on fast food and sodas. When I graduated I was 275 pounds easy. I hated myself. I hated that I was addicted to food. I hated that I was eating myself to death slowly. But I really didn't change anything because heck it was just my body, who cares. That's when all hell broke loose. Right after I graduated I went to the doctor. All I wanted was birth control for my horrible cramps and cycle. I mean 3 week long periods were not for me! It was then that my weight showed how it can hurt me. II went in for a pill, I left scheduled for surgery in following week, and told I was pre-diabetic and had high cholesterol. At the age of 18, my blood pressure was 156/95 on a good day. I was told I had poly cystic ovarian syndrome. Has my doctor explained, my ovaries looked like bubble wrap. My constant pain and long periods were all signs. She then preceded to tell me that my fat had literally taken over my hormones.
Two weeks later I had surgery where 2 liters of fluid and a Fallopian tube were removed and told that unless I lost weight, my chances of being a mom were 0%. I left for college determined but depressed at the same time.
When I first left for college I was so ready to lose weight. I joined weight watchers, I joined the gym. I was gonna rock the weight loss. HA! Yeah right. Enter the freshman 15, okay 25. In one year the stress of living on my own, going to school, and a horrible relationship sent me to the world of food again. I was officially in a number I never wanted to see. I was 300 pounds. But I ignored it. I went on my way. I focused on school and focused on getting into nursing school. My two years of nursing school led me to want to lose weight again. I didn't want to be over weight, I didn't want to lose my chance of being a mom, I didn't want to be diabetic, and I really didn't want to be a hypocrite. Why should I tell my patients to lose weight when I can't even do it. So in those two years here is every thing I did.....
1. Weight Watchers (lost 15 pounds before the meetings became stupid to me and the support vanished.)
2. Adkins (Until my lovely roommates wanted to go out almost every night......ended up gaining 10 pounds)
3. Calorie counting (lost nothing gained nothing. HAd no desire to count calories)
4. Eat healthy and go to the gym (gave that up after a week)
5. The paleo diet (supposed to help PCOS girls lose weight because of the lack of hormones in the food)
6. And my favorite.....the 3 day cardiac diet. (the whole diet is three days of strict eating where you can lose 7 pounds in the 3 days, yeah I was desperate enough that that sounded like a good idea)
I tried everything, my roommates thought I was crazy. Every time I started a diet they would have bets on how long it would last. I ballooned to 320 pounds. MY nursing professors told me that I would never be a good nurse if I kept gaining. I graduated college and moved back to Austin with a total lack of caring. I moved back in with my parents, who at the time were doing weight watchers so I was kinda eating healthy.
After a year of that I lost about 10 pounds. I was back to 315. At this point I was still on the fast track to the grave. I decided in January of 2014 to give weight watchers another shot. And it worked, kinda. I would lose weight, then give in to a craving binge and gain it back. I was addicted to diet soda, I loved carbs, oh and I was in love with "healthy" ice cream. That summer I went to work at a camp as the nurse and lost 15 pounds. I was down to 300 but I was stuck. I couldn't get past my giant plateau. No matter what I did I could not get under 300.
(Top left- when I started, top right- before camp, bottom left- end of camp, bottom right- middle of challenge)
So in January of this year, I did my second 24 day challenge with my parents. I started at 299 and in the 24 days I lost 13 pounds. My dad lost 15 pounds and my mom lost 3. But I gained so much more. I gained an amazing coach and a supportive upline, who I have spent time talking to and getting to know product more. On day 25 of my advocare journey I ordered more product to keep going. And I can now say I am back to my high school weight, as of this morning I am at 275! A number I haven't seen in 6 years. But more as happened then just a change in number.
I had a check up with my OB/GYN recently and the changes that have taken place even amazed her! My blood pressure was 138/80. My resting heart rate went from in the 80s to in the 60s. My LDL (bad cholesterol) went down while my good cholesterol went up. My PCOS issues have started resolving themselves. Enough that she even said that I am slowly changing my chances of being a mom. When we talked about what I was doing she was so excited about my changes with Advocare, turns out she heard it was good for PCOS and she is an advocare user too.
I have started jogging. Recently jogging a 5k and loved it! I am addicted to the gym. I haven't had a soda since Januray 1st. I haven't eaten fast food, mostly because I don't crave it. I now crave carrots and hummus.
I can't say Advocare fixed everything but ADvocare did get me on the healthy track. It has helped me find the path I need to be on. I am now known as the Advocare junkie in my family. My parents and cousin get tired of the "what products do you need to order?" or the "Have you tried....?" questions. I am now in love with my Thermoplus, Carbease (a PCOS girls dream!), MNS, and now the slim. I am a long way from my goal but I will get it this year not only because I love the products but because I love the people that I know won't give up on me.
Was it hard to get to where I was. OMG yes. I was miserable the first few days of January. (Later found out that PCOS enjoys messing with your digestive tract and it doesn't like when you change things) But I had a friend give a good example to me. The 24 day challenge is like going to a drug rehab center. Those first few days are like a crack addict going cold turkey. Your body craves everything to are trying to get away from and it is going to hate you when you take the bad things away. But give it time and just like the addict you will feel so much better. And the more you go the more you become addicted to living the new lifestyle.
Anyone reading this. You can do this! If I can, you can. Don't stop if you have a bad day. Don't give up on yourself. This is the longest I have ever been on a healthy lifestyle kick and I am not stopping any time soon. This is the time to invest in yourself. To make yourself healthy!
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Dear future husband......
Oh where to start on a letter to someone I don't know yet, or maybe I do know you right now but we haven't started in a relationship yet.
I guess I should say, Lord knows I am not perfect but I am trying so hard to be a good christian girl. I have a strong addiction to camp, if you don't know Camp Capers, I am sure one day I can fix that problem.
I am a country girl, a hardcore country girl. In fact I would love to sit and watch football with you sometimes, but I also know you want to do that with just your guys sometimes too and that is perfectly fine. I love trucks and mudding. Oh and hunting....yeah that is a crazy love of mine.
But I guess none of that really matters as much as this does. I love you. I am already madly in love with you and would do anything for you. I sit and find myself wondering what you are up too. I hope and pray you are having a good day. In fact I pray for you a lot. I pray for guidance and love for you. I pray that God is filling your life with love and joy. I pray that if you are hurting or struggling that God will help you. I even pray that God molds me into the woman that you need in life.
You know it is funny, I used to pray that God would help me find the perfect guy. A doctor, a country home, a man that would allow me to be a stay at home mom, a strong Christian man, someone who loves to travel the world. But I realize that I don't need any of those things. I now pray for a man that is kind and caring. Strong and supportive. Loving and sweet. I think the only thing that is still a must in that list of things is being a strong Christian man.
I know God will place you in my life at the right moment. A moment that was made for you and I. A moment that will shape who we are as a couple. I used to impatiently wait for that moment, now I know God's timing is always the perfect timing. Granted I am still slightly impatient but I am getting better.
I write this letter not only to remind myself of what is important, but to let you know how much I care for you. I hope one day you see me and get the courage to say hi. I hope you take that step and realize I am you girl.And I am sure we will have rough patches together in life, but I also know and pray that we will support each other to the end.
Knowing me, you won't read this letter until our wedding day. And if that is the case, I hope you aren't too nervous. I hope you are excited and happy. I hope this day is the start of our wonderful life together. I can't wait to see you as I walk down that aisle towards you. But I can promise you my heart will me beating like crazy. And know that if you are reading this on our wedding day, I am praying for you now. Right this second, I am praying for you and for us. This is out day, our love being pledged in front of God and everyone.
I love you so much. More then you will ever know.
See you soon my love!
Your future Mrs.
I guess I should say, Lord knows I am not perfect but I am trying so hard to be a good christian girl. I have a strong addiction to camp, if you don't know Camp Capers, I am sure one day I can fix that problem.
I am a country girl, a hardcore country girl. In fact I would love to sit and watch football with you sometimes, but I also know you want to do that with just your guys sometimes too and that is perfectly fine. I love trucks and mudding. Oh and hunting....yeah that is a crazy love of mine.
But I guess none of that really matters as much as this does. I love you. I am already madly in love with you and would do anything for you. I sit and find myself wondering what you are up too. I hope and pray you are having a good day. In fact I pray for you a lot. I pray for guidance and love for you. I pray that God is filling your life with love and joy. I pray that if you are hurting or struggling that God will help you. I even pray that God molds me into the woman that you need in life.
You know it is funny, I used to pray that God would help me find the perfect guy. A doctor, a country home, a man that would allow me to be a stay at home mom, a strong Christian man, someone who loves to travel the world. But I realize that I don't need any of those things. I now pray for a man that is kind and caring. Strong and supportive. Loving and sweet. I think the only thing that is still a must in that list of things is being a strong Christian man.
I know God will place you in my life at the right moment. A moment that was made for you and I. A moment that will shape who we are as a couple. I used to impatiently wait for that moment, now I know God's timing is always the perfect timing. Granted I am still slightly impatient but I am getting better.
I write this letter not only to remind myself of what is important, but to let you know how much I care for you. I hope one day you see me and get the courage to say hi. I hope you take that step and realize I am you girl.And I am sure we will have rough patches together in life, but I also know and pray that we will support each other to the end.
Knowing me, you won't read this letter until our wedding day. And if that is the case, I hope you aren't too nervous. I hope you are excited and happy. I hope this day is the start of our wonderful life together. I can't wait to see you as I walk down that aisle towards you. But I can promise you my heart will me beating like crazy. And know that if you are reading this on our wedding day, I am praying for you now. Right this second, I am praying for you and for us. This is out day, our love being pledged in front of God and everyone.
I love you so much. More then you will ever know.
See you soon my love!
Your future Mrs.
Children of God
It's so funny when God talks to you and you finally listen.
About 6 years ago, a senior in high school, I was loving life. I had everything going for me. I got accepted into my dream college. I was on my way to be a nurse. I had an amazing family. Everything was awesome. Until I started hurting.......a lot.
As I went to the doctor to talk about birth control to help with the worst cramping known to human kind, I wasn't prepared for the path my life would take. Sitting in the room, I was bombarded by questions, when was my last period? How long did it last? How bad is the pain? How long has this been going on? I was then instructed to have an ultrasound and blood tests. A week later it was determined that I had PCOS and had a large cyst that had crushed a Fallopian tube and ultimately would require surgery to fix. I was broken.....
You see I grew up wanting children. Every time we played house, I was the mom. I would pretend to be pregnant and I loved my baby dolls. I knew I wanted to marry and fill my home with kids that I could love and care for. I dreamed of being a school nurse because that meant I could have weekends and summers off with my kids. This surgery and diagnosis, well, that meant those dreams might not be a reality.
I went in to surgery terrified that I would lose my dream in a span of 2 hours. The first thing I asked when I woke up, "Can I still have a baby?" And the answer was yes.....with assistance and if we kept the cysts from reoccurring.
For years I have worried about that. I have nightmares that another cyst with form. Every cramp, instantly I think another surgery is coming.......at least I was until camp.
This summer I was the nurse at Camp Capers, and I loved every second of every day. I cared for each kid as if they were my own. I greeted them each morning with a smile and a hug. I said goodnight each night. When they got hurt, I loved them and fixed the problem. I comforted when I said that they would have to go home, each always broke my heart.
I left camp that summer with a renewed sense of motherhood. And then the pain came back. I again lived in fear, but I realize now I lived in fear because I wasn't listening.
This weekend, I once again am the nurse at camp for primary campers. The "babies" of camp. So many kids ran up to me and hugged me tight, some before they even checked in. This morning, I woke with frost on the ground that almost looked like a blanket of snow, kids ran to me excited and beyond joyful for the beauty that was a white camp. I watched as they worshiped God with song and dance. I smiled as they hugged and loved counselors and staff. And then I heard a voice, a voice that I had dreamed to hear.
I have PCOS, that won't change. But I am going to be a mom. God has helped me and reassured me that PCOS is not the end of my motherly side. There are children all over this world that just need to be loved. They don't have mommies and daddies that love them unconditionally. Maybe it is my job, not only at camp to love children when they are away from home, but maybe it is my calling in life to love the children that don't have anyone. A son or daughter doesn't have to be blood, love can change that. Kids are my life and my love. Being a mommy is a calling that I have, whether they be my children that I carried for nine months or a child that needs a home and a mom that loves them unconditionally, I was called to be a mommy.Granted, I would love to be pregnant once, but I am slowly coming to terms with the idea that it is okay if I can't. I am okay with whatever God is planned for me.
It is truly amazing what you can learn when you finally listen.......
About 6 years ago, a senior in high school, I was loving life. I had everything going for me. I got accepted into my dream college. I was on my way to be a nurse. I had an amazing family. Everything was awesome. Until I started hurting.......a lot.
As I went to the doctor to talk about birth control to help with the worst cramping known to human kind, I wasn't prepared for the path my life would take. Sitting in the room, I was bombarded by questions, when was my last period? How long did it last? How bad is the pain? How long has this been going on? I was then instructed to have an ultrasound and blood tests. A week later it was determined that I had PCOS and had a large cyst that had crushed a Fallopian tube and ultimately would require surgery to fix. I was broken.....
You see I grew up wanting children. Every time we played house, I was the mom. I would pretend to be pregnant and I loved my baby dolls. I knew I wanted to marry and fill my home with kids that I could love and care for. I dreamed of being a school nurse because that meant I could have weekends and summers off with my kids. This surgery and diagnosis, well, that meant those dreams might not be a reality.
I went in to surgery terrified that I would lose my dream in a span of 2 hours. The first thing I asked when I woke up, "Can I still have a baby?" And the answer was yes.....with assistance and if we kept the cysts from reoccurring.
For years I have worried about that. I have nightmares that another cyst with form. Every cramp, instantly I think another surgery is coming.......at least I was until camp.
This summer I was the nurse at Camp Capers, and I loved every second of every day. I cared for each kid as if they were my own. I greeted them each morning with a smile and a hug. I said goodnight each night. When they got hurt, I loved them and fixed the problem. I comforted when I said that they would have to go home, each always broke my heart.
I left camp that summer with a renewed sense of motherhood. And then the pain came back. I again lived in fear, but I realize now I lived in fear because I wasn't listening.
This weekend, I once again am the nurse at camp for primary campers. The "babies" of camp. So many kids ran up to me and hugged me tight, some before they even checked in. This morning, I woke with frost on the ground that almost looked like a blanket of snow, kids ran to me excited and beyond joyful for the beauty that was a white camp. I watched as they worshiped God with song and dance. I smiled as they hugged and loved counselors and staff. And then I heard a voice, a voice that I had dreamed to hear.
I have PCOS, that won't change. But I am going to be a mom. God has helped me and reassured me that PCOS is not the end of my motherly side. There are children all over this world that just need to be loved. They don't have mommies and daddies that love them unconditionally. Maybe it is my job, not only at camp to love children when they are away from home, but maybe it is my calling in life to love the children that don't have anyone. A son or daughter doesn't have to be blood, love can change that. Kids are my life and my love. Being a mommy is a calling that I have, whether they be my children that I carried for nine months or a child that needs a home and a mom that loves them unconditionally, I was called to be a mommy.Granted, I would love to be pregnant once, but I am slowly coming to terms with the idea that it is okay if I can't. I am okay with whatever God is planned for me.
It is truly amazing what you can learn when you finally listen.......
Thursday, January 15, 2015
I wish Heaven had Visiting hours......
So many things are changing in my life.
I am 22 pounds lighter.
I am stepping out side my box and flying to Missouri
I am realizing I love nutrition
I am loving my faith with God
I am realizing what I want in life
And yet.....I miss her. I miss her every day. Every hour. Every second.
My grandmother was my rock and my support. I grew up spending every summer with her. I grew up thinking how lucky my children will be to have a great grandmother like her.
November changed all of that. I watched her slowly slip away from me. I spent every lunch with her sitting in a hospital room watching her slowly not become herself. I knew she was dying and yet when the day came for God to gain an angel.....I lost it.
For years my grandmother stated I saved her, I kept her around this long and now all of the sudden I couldn't save her. I couldn't keep her here. I wish I could still sit and talk to her but I feel like now she is pulling strings upstairs.
I know she is guarding my every move. I know she is now truly my angel. I think she is my light in this dark world......still makes me wish that heaven had visiting hours.
Friday, January 9, 2015
It's Official......I'm Crazy
That's right! Have me tested, I am clinically insane.
Okay maybe not but I am crazy. And not just crazy in one way but in MANY!
Last year, I settled. I settled on many things. My weight, my love, my religion, my friends, my family. I was a settler. And I wasn't happy. Shocking to know I wasn't happy. right?! I was okay with the fact that I was holding steady at my weight. Hey if I wasn't gaining, it wasn't bad. I was okay with the fact that I was madly in love with a liar. Someone that made me happy only because he loved me, not because I loved him. I was okay loving a cheater and liar because I wasn't alone. I was okay just sitting in a pew on Sunday because that was all I was supposed to do. I didn't want to do other things. I was okay not having friends to go out with. I was okay with my family, I love everyone, but does that mean that I deserve to be treated the way I do sometimes?
I was thinking about all of those things and then I honestly started laughing. Nine days into the new year and things are already changing in big ways and some of these ways play into my resolutions. So let's break this down.
Weight!
I started my 24 day challenge already for advocare and I am happy to say I have lost 4 pounds in the last three days. That means 20 pounds since I started this journey! I have energy to spare and I love it. Yesterday I was watching my 600 pound life and I kept telling myself, that can't and won't be me. I am down being the overweight girl that everyone looks past. I am tired of never having clothes that I actually like. I hate shopping and my weight is the reason why. However, Torrid has amazing clothes that I just can't afford lol. As a nurse I am tired of telling people you should lose weight and then never do anything myself. So for now I will take the 20 pounds and run with it. I am determined to make it 100 pounds lose this year! I am determined that gaining is not an option. I am determined to be 195 this time next year. Holy crap! 195.......I don't remember the last time I even saw that number. From the time I started to actually weigh myself I was always in the 200's. 195 seems impossible but possible at the same time!
So that brings us to Love.
Oh the mysterious love. The one thing I never thought I would have because, let's face it, my weight was always in my way. But this year I vow to love myself and learn what love is. Oh and to take chances with it. For example.....I am going on a trip in February. It isn't for love, it is for friendship that means the world to me and maybe more but who knows. This person is awesome! Geeky, God loving Episcopalian, an awesome family, and he always makes me laugh. He and I have been friends for a while now but recently we found out we both kind of like each other. But he is in Missouri and I am in Texas. So I am taking a risk and visiting him. Who knows what will come of it, I know we will always be friends but maybe God is trying to say something else is there. I am going out on a limb to find out. And as I write this I remember why this blog isn't one I post on facebook. But oh well this is my journal for the year so :P
Religion!
I stopped just sitting in a pew. In fact in a few short hours I will be driving out to Camp Capers to work as camp nurse this weekend. I am now a LEM, Sunday School Teacher, counsel delegate, Cursillo fanatic, Christian music addict. I refuse to let God sit on the back burner in my life. He will always be number one in my life no matter who or what enters it. For I know that without God I wouldn't have anything in this life.
Family/Friends......Yes I am combining.
This is the year that I no longer worry about what others think. I am going to be me. I am going to place people in my life that love me for me and not for what I do for them. Simple and to the point!
This is my year! My Chance at happiness! My new beginning!
Okay maybe not but I am crazy. And not just crazy in one way but in MANY!
Last year, I settled. I settled on many things. My weight, my love, my religion, my friends, my family. I was a settler. And I wasn't happy. Shocking to know I wasn't happy. right?! I was okay with the fact that I was holding steady at my weight. Hey if I wasn't gaining, it wasn't bad. I was okay with the fact that I was madly in love with a liar. Someone that made me happy only because he loved me, not because I loved him. I was okay loving a cheater and liar because I wasn't alone. I was okay just sitting in a pew on Sunday because that was all I was supposed to do. I didn't want to do other things. I was okay not having friends to go out with. I was okay with my family, I love everyone, but does that mean that I deserve to be treated the way I do sometimes?
I was thinking about all of those things and then I honestly started laughing. Nine days into the new year and things are already changing in big ways and some of these ways play into my resolutions. So let's break this down.
Weight!
I started my 24 day challenge already for advocare and I am happy to say I have lost 4 pounds in the last three days. That means 20 pounds since I started this journey! I have energy to spare and I love it. Yesterday I was watching my 600 pound life and I kept telling myself, that can't and won't be me. I am down being the overweight girl that everyone looks past. I am tired of never having clothes that I actually like. I hate shopping and my weight is the reason why. However, Torrid has amazing clothes that I just can't afford lol. As a nurse I am tired of telling people you should lose weight and then never do anything myself. So for now I will take the 20 pounds and run with it. I am determined to make it 100 pounds lose this year! I am determined that gaining is not an option. I am determined to be 195 this time next year. Holy crap! 195.......I don't remember the last time I even saw that number. From the time I started to actually weigh myself I was always in the 200's. 195 seems impossible but possible at the same time!
So that brings us to Love.
Oh the mysterious love. The one thing I never thought I would have because, let's face it, my weight was always in my way. But this year I vow to love myself and learn what love is. Oh and to take chances with it. For example.....I am going on a trip in February. It isn't for love, it is for friendship that means the world to me and maybe more but who knows. This person is awesome! Geeky, God loving Episcopalian, an awesome family, and he always makes me laugh. He and I have been friends for a while now but recently we found out we both kind of like each other. But he is in Missouri and I am in Texas. So I am taking a risk and visiting him. Who knows what will come of it, I know we will always be friends but maybe God is trying to say something else is there. I am going out on a limb to find out. And as I write this I remember why this blog isn't one I post on facebook. But oh well this is my journal for the year so :P
Religion!
I stopped just sitting in a pew. In fact in a few short hours I will be driving out to Camp Capers to work as camp nurse this weekend. I am now a LEM, Sunday School Teacher, counsel delegate, Cursillo fanatic, Christian music addict. I refuse to let God sit on the back burner in my life. He will always be number one in my life no matter who or what enters it. For I know that without God I wouldn't have anything in this life.
Family/Friends......Yes I am combining.
This is the year that I no longer worry about what others think. I am going to be me. I am going to place people in my life that love me for me and not for what I do for them. Simple and to the point!
This is my year! My Chance at happiness! My new beginning!
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