Children of God

It's so funny when God talks to you and you finally listen.

About 6 years ago, a senior in high school, I was loving life. I had everything going for me. I got accepted into my dream college. I was on my way to be a nurse. I had an amazing family. Everything was awesome. Until I started hurting.......a lot.

As I went to the doctor to talk about birth control to help with the worst cramping known to human kind, I wasn't prepared for the path my life would take. Sitting in the room, I was bombarded by questions, when was my last period? How long did it last? How bad is the pain? How long has this been going on? I was then instructed to have an ultrasound and blood tests. A week later it was determined that I had PCOS and had a large cyst that had crushed a Fallopian tube and ultimately would require surgery to fix. I was broken.....

You see I grew up wanting children. Every time we played house, I was the mom. I would pretend to be pregnant and I loved my baby dolls. I knew I wanted to marry and fill my home with kids that I could love and care for. I dreamed of being a school nurse because that meant I could have weekends and summers off with my kids. This surgery and diagnosis, well, that meant those dreams might not be a reality.

I went in to surgery terrified that I would lose my dream in a span of 2 hours. The first thing I asked when I woke up, "Can I still have a baby?" And the answer was yes.....with assistance and if we kept the cysts from reoccurring.

For years I have worried about that. I have nightmares that another cyst with form. Every cramp, instantly I think another surgery is coming.......at least I was until camp.

This summer I was the nurse at Camp Capers, and I loved every second of every day. I cared for each kid as if they were my own. I greeted them each morning with a smile and a hug. I said goodnight each night. When they got hurt, I loved them and fixed the problem. I comforted when I said that they would have to go home, each always broke my heart.

I left camp that summer with a renewed sense of motherhood. And then the pain came back. I again lived in fear, but I realize now I lived in fear because I wasn't listening.

This weekend, I once again am the nurse at camp for primary campers. The "babies" of camp. So many kids ran up to me and hugged me tight, some before they even checked in. This morning, I woke with frost on the ground that almost looked like a blanket of snow, kids ran to me excited and beyond joyful for the beauty that was a white camp. I watched as they worshiped God with song and dance. I smiled as they hugged and loved counselors and staff. And then I heard a voice, a voice that I had dreamed to hear.

I have PCOS, that won't change. But I am going to be a mom. God has helped me and reassured me that PCOS is not the end of my motherly side. There are children all over this world that just need to be loved. They don't have mommies and daddies that love them unconditionally. Maybe it is my job, not only at camp to love children when they are away from home, but maybe it is my calling in life to love the children that don't have anyone. A son or daughter doesn't have to be blood, love can change that. Kids are my life and my love. Being a mommy is a calling that I have, whether they be my children that I carried for nine months or a child that needs a home and a mom that loves them unconditionally, I was called to be a mommy.Granted, I would love to be pregnant once, but I am slowly coming to terms with the idea that it is okay if I can't. I am okay with whatever God is planned for me.

It is truly amazing what you can learn when you finally listen.......