Oh where to start on a letter to someone I don't know yet, or maybe I do know you right now but we haven't started in a relationship yet.
I guess I should say, Lord knows I am not perfect but I am trying so hard to be a good christian girl. I have a strong addiction to camp, if you don't know Camp Capers, I am sure one day I can fix that problem.
I am a country girl, a hardcore country girl. In fact I would love to sit and watch football with you sometimes, but I also know you want to do that with just your guys sometimes too and that is perfectly fine. I love trucks and mudding. Oh and hunting....yeah that is a crazy love of mine.
But I guess none of that really matters as much as this does. I love you. I am already madly in love with you and would do anything for you. I sit and find myself wondering what you are up too. I hope and pray you are having a good day. In fact I pray for you a lot. I pray for guidance and love for you. I pray that God is filling your life with love and joy. I pray that if you are hurting or struggling that God will help you. I even pray that God molds me into the woman that you need in life.
You know it is funny, I used to pray that God would help me find the perfect guy. A doctor, a country home, a man that would allow me to be a stay at home mom, a strong Christian man, someone who loves to travel the world. But I realize that I don't need any of those things. I now pray for a man that is kind and caring. Strong and supportive. Loving and sweet. I think the only thing that is still a must in that list of things is being a strong Christian man.
I know God will place you in my life at the right moment. A moment that was made for you and I. A moment that will shape who we are as a couple. I used to impatiently wait for that moment, now I know God's timing is always the perfect timing. Granted I am still slightly impatient but I am getting better.
I write this letter not only to remind myself of what is important, but to let you know how much I care for you. I hope one day you see me and get the courage to say hi. I hope you take that step and realize I am you girl.And I am sure we will have rough patches together in life, but I also know and pray that we will support each other to the end.
Knowing me, you won't read this letter until our wedding day. And if that is the case, I hope you aren't too nervous. I hope you are excited and happy. I hope this day is the start of our wonderful life together. I can't wait to see you as I walk down that aisle towards you. But I can promise you my heart will me beating like crazy. And know that if you are reading this on our wedding day, I am praying for you now. Right this second, I am praying for you and for us. This is out day, our love being pledged in front of God and everyone.
I love you so much. More then you will ever know.
See you soon my love!
Your future Mrs.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Children of God
It's so funny when God talks to you and you finally listen.
About 6 years ago, a senior in high school, I was loving life. I had everything going for me. I got accepted into my dream college. I was on my way to be a nurse. I had an amazing family. Everything was awesome. Until I started hurting.......a lot.
As I went to the doctor to talk about birth control to help with the worst cramping known to human kind, I wasn't prepared for the path my life would take. Sitting in the room, I was bombarded by questions, when was my last period? How long did it last? How bad is the pain? How long has this been going on? I was then instructed to have an ultrasound and blood tests. A week later it was determined that I had PCOS and had a large cyst that had crushed a Fallopian tube and ultimately would require surgery to fix. I was broken.....
You see I grew up wanting children. Every time we played house, I was the mom. I would pretend to be pregnant and I loved my baby dolls. I knew I wanted to marry and fill my home with kids that I could love and care for. I dreamed of being a school nurse because that meant I could have weekends and summers off with my kids. This surgery and diagnosis, well, that meant those dreams might not be a reality.
I went in to surgery terrified that I would lose my dream in a span of 2 hours. The first thing I asked when I woke up, "Can I still have a baby?" And the answer was yes.....with assistance and if we kept the cysts from reoccurring.
For years I have worried about that. I have nightmares that another cyst with form. Every cramp, instantly I think another surgery is coming.......at least I was until camp.
This summer I was the nurse at Camp Capers, and I loved every second of every day. I cared for each kid as if they were my own. I greeted them each morning with a smile and a hug. I said goodnight each night. When they got hurt, I loved them and fixed the problem. I comforted when I said that they would have to go home, each always broke my heart.
I left camp that summer with a renewed sense of motherhood. And then the pain came back. I again lived in fear, but I realize now I lived in fear because I wasn't listening.
This weekend, I once again am the nurse at camp for primary campers. The "babies" of camp. So many kids ran up to me and hugged me tight, some before they even checked in. This morning, I woke with frost on the ground that almost looked like a blanket of snow, kids ran to me excited and beyond joyful for the beauty that was a white camp. I watched as they worshiped God with song and dance. I smiled as they hugged and loved counselors and staff. And then I heard a voice, a voice that I had dreamed to hear.
I have PCOS, that won't change. But I am going to be a mom. God has helped me and reassured me that PCOS is not the end of my motherly side. There are children all over this world that just need to be loved. They don't have mommies and daddies that love them unconditionally. Maybe it is my job, not only at camp to love children when they are away from home, but maybe it is my calling in life to love the children that don't have anyone. A son or daughter doesn't have to be blood, love can change that. Kids are my life and my love. Being a mommy is a calling that I have, whether they be my children that I carried for nine months or a child that needs a home and a mom that loves them unconditionally, I was called to be a mommy.Granted, I would love to be pregnant once, but I am slowly coming to terms with the idea that it is okay if I can't. I am okay with whatever God is planned for me.
It is truly amazing what you can learn when you finally listen.......
About 6 years ago, a senior in high school, I was loving life. I had everything going for me. I got accepted into my dream college. I was on my way to be a nurse. I had an amazing family. Everything was awesome. Until I started hurting.......a lot.
As I went to the doctor to talk about birth control to help with the worst cramping known to human kind, I wasn't prepared for the path my life would take. Sitting in the room, I was bombarded by questions, when was my last period? How long did it last? How bad is the pain? How long has this been going on? I was then instructed to have an ultrasound and blood tests. A week later it was determined that I had PCOS and had a large cyst that had crushed a Fallopian tube and ultimately would require surgery to fix. I was broken.....
You see I grew up wanting children. Every time we played house, I was the mom. I would pretend to be pregnant and I loved my baby dolls. I knew I wanted to marry and fill my home with kids that I could love and care for. I dreamed of being a school nurse because that meant I could have weekends and summers off with my kids. This surgery and diagnosis, well, that meant those dreams might not be a reality.
I went in to surgery terrified that I would lose my dream in a span of 2 hours. The first thing I asked when I woke up, "Can I still have a baby?" And the answer was yes.....with assistance and if we kept the cysts from reoccurring.
For years I have worried about that. I have nightmares that another cyst with form. Every cramp, instantly I think another surgery is coming.......at least I was until camp.
This summer I was the nurse at Camp Capers, and I loved every second of every day. I cared for each kid as if they were my own. I greeted them each morning with a smile and a hug. I said goodnight each night. When they got hurt, I loved them and fixed the problem. I comforted when I said that they would have to go home, each always broke my heart.
I left camp that summer with a renewed sense of motherhood. And then the pain came back. I again lived in fear, but I realize now I lived in fear because I wasn't listening.
This weekend, I once again am the nurse at camp for primary campers. The "babies" of camp. So many kids ran up to me and hugged me tight, some before they even checked in. This morning, I woke with frost on the ground that almost looked like a blanket of snow, kids ran to me excited and beyond joyful for the beauty that was a white camp. I watched as they worshiped God with song and dance. I smiled as they hugged and loved counselors and staff. And then I heard a voice, a voice that I had dreamed to hear.
I have PCOS, that won't change. But I am going to be a mom. God has helped me and reassured me that PCOS is not the end of my motherly side. There are children all over this world that just need to be loved. They don't have mommies and daddies that love them unconditionally. Maybe it is my job, not only at camp to love children when they are away from home, but maybe it is my calling in life to love the children that don't have anyone. A son or daughter doesn't have to be blood, love can change that. Kids are my life and my love. Being a mommy is a calling that I have, whether they be my children that I carried for nine months or a child that needs a home and a mom that loves them unconditionally, I was called to be a mommy.Granted, I would love to be pregnant once, but I am slowly coming to terms with the idea that it is okay if I can't. I am okay with whatever God is planned for me.
It is truly amazing what you can learn when you finally listen.......
Thursday, January 15, 2015
I wish Heaven had Visiting hours......
So many things are changing in my life.
I am 22 pounds lighter.
I am stepping out side my box and flying to Missouri
I am realizing I love nutrition
I am loving my faith with God
I am realizing what I want in life
And yet.....I miss her. I miss her every day. Every hour. Every second.
My grandmother was my rock and my support. I grew up spending every summer with her. I grew up thinking how lucky my children will be to have a great grandmother like her.
November changed all of that. I watched her slowly slip away from me. I spent every lunch with her sitting in a hospital room watching her slowly not become herself. I knew she was dying and yet when the day came for God to gain an angel.....I lost it.
For years my grandmother stated I saved her, I kept her around this long and now all of the sudden I couldn't save her. I couldn't keep her here. I wish I could still sit and talk to her but I feel like now she is pulling strings upstairs.
I know she is guarding my every move. I know she is now truly my angel. I think she is my light in this dark world......still makes me wish that heaven had visiting hours.
Friday, January 9, 2015
It's Official......I'm Crazy
That's right! Have me tested, I am clinically insane.
Okay maybe not but I am crazy. And not just crazy in one way but in MANY!
Last year, I settled. I settled on many things. My weight, my love, my religion, my friends, my family. I was a settler. And I wasn't happy. Shocking to know I wasn't happy. right?! I was okay with the fact that I was holding steady at my weight. Hey if I wasn't gaining, it wasn't bad. I was okay with the fact that I was madly in love with a liar. Someone that made me happy only because he loved me, not because I loved him. I was okay loving a cheater and liar because I wasn't alone. I was okay just sitting in a pew on Sunday because that was all I was supposed to do. I didn't want to do other things. I was okay not having friends to go out with. I was okay with my family, I love everyone, but does that mean that I deserve to be treated the way I do sometimes?
I was thinking about all of those things and then I honestly started laughing. Nine days into the new year and things are already changing in big ways and some of these ways play into my resolutions. So let's break this down.
Weight!
I started my 24 day challenge already for advocare and I am happy to say I have lost 4 pounds in the last three days. That means 20 pounds since I started this journey! I have energy to spare and I love it. Yesterday I was watching my 600 pound life and I kept telling myself, that can't and won't be me. I am down being the overweight girl that everyone looks past. I am tired of never having clothes that I actually like. I hate shopping and my weight is the reason why. However, Torrid has amazing clothes that I just can't afford lol. As a nurse I am tired of telling people you should lose weight and then never do anything myself. So for now I will take the 20 pounds and run with it. I am determined to make it 100 pounds lose this year! I am determined that gaining is not an option. I am determined to be 195 this time next year. Holy crap! 195.......I don't remember the last time I even saw that number. From the time I started to actually weigh myself I was always in the 200's. 195 seems impossible but possible at the same time!
So that brings us to Love.
Oh the mysterious love. The one thing I never thought I would have because, let's face it, my weight was always in my way. But this year I vow to love myself and learn what love is. Oh and to take chances with it. For example.....I am going on a trip in February. It isn't for love, it is for friendship that means the world to me and maybe more but who knows. This person is awesome! Geeky, God loving Episcopalian, an awesome family, and he always makes me laugh. He and I have been friends for a while now but recently we found out we both kind of like each other. But he is in Missouri and I am in Texas. So I am taking a risk and visiting him. Who knows what will come of it, I know we will always be friends but maybe God is trying to say something else is there. I am going out on a limb to find out. And as I write this I remember why this blog isn't one I post on facebook. But oh well this is my journal for the year so :P
Religion!
I stopped just sitting in a pew. In fact in a few short hours I will be driving out to Camp Capers to work as camp nurse this weekend. I am now a LEM, Sunday School Teacher, counsel delegate, Cursillo fanatic, Christian music addict. I refuse to let God sit on the back burner in my life. He will always be number one in my life no matter who or what enters it. For I know that without God I wouldn't have anything in this life.
Family/Friends......Yes I am combining.
This is the year that I no longer worry about what others think. I am going to be me. I am going to place people in my life that love me for me and not for what I do for them. Simple and to the point!
This is my year! My Chance at happiness! My new beginning!
Okay maybe not but I am crazy. And not just crazy in one way but in MANY!
Last year, I settled. I settled on many things. My weight, my love, my religion, my friends, my family. I was a settler. And I wasn't happy. Shocking to know I wasn't happy. right?! I was okay with the fact that I was holding steady at my weight. Hey if I wasn't gaining, it wasn't bad. I was okay with the fact that I was madly in love with a liar. Someone that made me happy only because he loved me, not because I loved him. I was okay loving a cheater and liar because I wasn't alone. I was okay just sitting in a pew on Sunday because that was all I was supposed to do. I didn't want to do other things. I was okay not having friends to go out with. I was okay with my family, I love everyone, but does that mean that I deserve to be treated the way I do sometimes?
I was thinking about all of those things and then I honestly started laughing. Nine days into the new year and things are already changing in big ways and some of these ways play into my resolutions. So let's break this down.
Weight!
I started my 24 day challenge already for advocare and I am happy to say I have lost 4 pounds in the last three days. That means 20 pounds since I started this journey! I have energy to spare and I love it. Yesterday I was watching my 600 pound life and I kept telling myself, that can't and won't be me. I am down being the overweight girl that everyone looks past. I am tired of never having clothes that I actually like. I hate shopping and my weight is the reason why. However, Torrid has amazing clothes that I just can't afford lol. As a nurse I am tired of telling people you should lose weight and then never do anything myself. So for now I will take the 20 pounds and run with it. I am determined to make it 100 pounds lose this year! I am determined that gaining is not an option. I am determined to be 195 this time next year. Holy crap! 195.......I don't remember the last time I even saw that number. From the time I started to actually weigh myself I was always in the 200's. 195 seems impossible but possible at the same time!
So that brings us to Love.
Oh the mysterious love. The one thing I never thought I would have because, let's face it, my weight was always in my way. But this year I vow to love myself and learn what love is. Oh and to take chances with it. For example.....I am going on a trip in February. It isn't for love, it is for friendship that means the world to me and maybe more but who knows. This person is awesome! Geeky, God loving Episcopalian, an awesome family, and he always makes me laugh. He and I have been friends for a while now but recently we found out we both kind of like each other. But he is in Missouri and I am in Texas. So I am taking a risk and visiting him. Who knows what will come of it, I know we will always be friends but maybe God is trying to say something else is there. I am going out on a limb to find out. And as I write this I remember why this blog isn't one I post on facebook. But oh well this is my journal for the year so :P
Religion!
I stopped just sitting in a pew. In fact in a few short hours I will be driving out to Camp Capers to work as camp nurse this weekend. I am now a LEM, Sunday School Teacher, counsel delegate, Cursillo fanatic, Christian music addict. I refuse to let God sit on the back burner in my life. He will always be number one in my life no matter who or what enters it. For I know that without God I wouldn't have anything in this life.
Family/Friends......Yes I am combining.
This is the year that I no longer worry about what others think. I am going to be me. I am going to place people in my life that love me for me and not for what I do for them. Simple and to the point!
This is my year! My Chance at happiness! My new beginning!
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Welcome 2015!
It is amazing that I am trying this blogging again. But in reality I think I need it. Unlike the others that I have this blog is for me. It is my journey that I need documented. I need to see where I have come and where I am going and this is where I will do that.
It is January 7 of 2015......it is the start to the rest of my life.
Last year, I hit 315 pounds. well 325 according to the doctor. And if the number wasn't bad enough, the other news was. I was told if I don't lose weight, I would lose everything I ever held on too. I would lose my chance at a family, a chance to have a baby, I would lose what health I have and gain diabetes, I would lose everything because of my weight. That day I started a journey, I started losing weight.
Through out the summer I lost 20 pounds, I started advocare after that and lost another 15 pounds. I was down 35 pounds!!! And then I fell off the wagon. I gained back some of the weight and lost the person I was becoming.
Enter 2015.....I was 1 pound away from hitting 300 again and I cried. I told myself I would never be 300 pounds again and here I was, moments away from hitting that milestone. I hated that I had given up on something because that isn't who I am as a person. So I started Advocare again, I became a distributor and started losing weight and wanting to work out. I have taken on nutrition as a hobby and this is the year that I prove to myself that I can do it! My ultimate goal.....100 pounds in a year. To be under 200 in a year!
That number seems crazy impossible but I have amazing support backing me up. I have amazing parents and loving friends. This is the year my life changes.
So other then weight here are my resolutions that I am going to keep tracking on here:
1. Get a nursing job
2. Lose weight
3. Take chances
4. Do something I have never done before
5. Travel
6. Get my own place
7. Run a 5K
8. Go a year without a soda
9. Pay back my parents
10. Place God first in my life again
Ten things, and yes some are lifetime goals, some are this years goals. But this is the year I want to turn my life around to be what I want it to be. I want to guide myself and I want to be happy in myself.
Let's see what this new year has in store for me!
It is January 7 of 2015......it is the start to the rest of my life.
Last year, I hit 315 pounds. well 325 according to the doctor. And if the number wasn't bad enough, the other news was. I was told if I don't lose weight, I would lose everything I ever held on too. I would lose my chance at a family, a chance to have a baby, I would lose what health I have and gain diabetes, I would lose everything because of my weight. That day I started a journey, I started losing weight.
Through out the summer I lost 20 pounds, I started advocare after that and lost another 15 pounds. I was down 35 pounds!!! And then I fell off the wagon. I gained back some of the weight and lost the person I was becoming.
Enter 2015.....I was 1 pound away from hitting 300 again and I cried. I told myself I would never be 300 pounds again and here I was, moments away from hitting that milestone. I hated that I had given up on something because that isn't who I am as a person. So I started Advocare again, I became a distributor and started losing weight and wanting to work out. I have taken on nutrition as a hobby and this is the year that I prove to myself that I can do it! My ultimate goal.....100 pounds in a year. To be under 200 in a year!
That number seems crazy impossible but I have amazing support backing me up. I have amazing parents and loving friends. This is the year my life changes.
So other then weight here are my resolutions that I am going to keep tracking on here:
1. Get a nursing job
2. Lose weight
3. Take chances
4. Do something I have never done before
5. Travel
6. Get my own place
7. Run a 5K
8. Go a year without a soda
9. Pay back my parents
10. Place God first in my life again
Ten things, and yes some are lifetime goals, some are this years goals. But this is the year I want to turn my life around to be what I want it to be. I want to guide myself and I want to be happy in myself.
Let's see what this new year has in store for me!
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